


Raise Your Glass

by ALovingFist



Category: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy X & Final Fantasy X-2, Final Fantasy X -Will-
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALovingFist/pseuds/ALovingFist
Summary: Love at first sight is easy to understand it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. TidusXYuna AU





	1. New Year's Eve

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Readers. 
> 
> I'm rewriting this old thing from way back when. The story was originally posted on FFDN but now I'm trying out this platform and I may change the chapter a bit (I'm waiting on my beta). Going to post a chapter a week until it's finished, or at least caught up. Sorry if some of the formatting is off; I'm just testing the waters. Please leave a comment if you enjoy the story. Happy reading.

**We'll Run Until She's Out Of Breath**

**She Ran Until There's Nothin' Left**

**She Hit The End-It's Just Her Window Ledge**

One headlight-  _ The Wallflowers _

* * *

 

#  Chapter 1

* * *

**Yuna**

"I want this year to be full of memories." Rikku’s champagne flute rises, she presses her lips to her husband, Gippal’s cheek. Her gaze drifts around the room, filled with rosy faced guests, clothed in their finest.

"And a toast to reunions!" Gippal tips his champagne flute in my direction and I feel the eyes of the crowd shift. “I want to thank our friends who made it out to celebrate. Let’s get fucked up!” He releases a throaty laugh as the room follows his lead in drinking. 

I sip my champagne. The room is crowded with people I used to know. Some better than others. Many I grew up with, attended school with, would rather forget. Tidus, more than others. We pretend not to notice each other.  Him with his date and his crowd, me with my back against the wall. I can barely keep track of my conversations, he’s a distraction. Has he changed? Have I changed? That hasn’t changed.

I try not to watch him so carefully, how he laughs with every fiber, his exaggerated way of telling stories. He gives every minor acquaintance his full attention but he hasn’t acknowledged me.  Maybe I'm being unreasonable, inflexible at my post against the wall. Familiar faces take turns approaching me, they may be genuinely interested, but their questions are grating. Internally I’m counting the minutes until it’s appropriate for me to leave. 

I had prepared for this trip home to Zanarkand. Knowing he’d be here, I’d played a million scenarios in my head. What would he say, what would I reply? I had practiced breathing exercises, meditation. 

Between applying my foundation and lipstick liner,  Rikku said that she noticed something different about me and she wasn’t sure she liked it. I wanted to take this as a compliment because she said it with a smile. She hoped this weekend would patch things up—insisting home wasn't home without me. She seemed genuinely lonely. I was only her cousin, her best friend. I always felt like a weight she had to drag behind her. I doubted that I'd ever made an impression, sticking strictly to the sidelines, accustomed, but never comfortable in her world.

I used to feel at ease with Tidus. He had a way with me and maybe that’s why I loved him. His smile and easy attitude would center me. For so many years he was my closest friend. High School brought him other interests. 

In our final year he met Adrianna at a blitzball game. She was a little older but she embodied a delicate youth. It was so easy for her to steal his attention and he was enthralled. They were inseparable and I watched their up and down epic from the sidelines until I couldn’t take it anymore. By the time we graduated our friendship was already over and I was left hanging on loosely. 

I heard about their breakup over the phone. Rikku wasn’t sure if she should tell me. I had just arrived in Luca. It hurt to know, that for the first time in our lives, I couldn’t be there for him. I didn’t want to be there for him. I don’t think I had anything left. I had thought about reaching out— but what condolence could I offer? I felt he had abandoned me but I hadn't behaved any better. It would have been unfair to contact him under those circumstances.

"Yuna?" A thick Besaidain accent collides reflections. I shift my weight from the wall, turning to address Tidus' date.

"Hi." I maintain eye-contact, appearing resilient, airy, cool. 

“Dona.” She smiles and extends her hand. "I figured I'd introduce myself, since you're the one friend of Tidus' I haven't met."

"I've spent the last few years in Luca."

"Luca is such an interesting city. Are you back here on vacation ?"

"I’m not sure I’ve decided. I just convocated so everything is kind of up in the air right now."

"Hmm." She pauses placing her hand in front of her, motioning around the room, "How do you know the host?"

"Rikku's my cousin. I went to school with most of the people here." I answer, "And you?"

"I met Tidus through work, and Rikku and Gippal through Tidus. I needed an interview but he’d only agree to speak to me over dinner.”

“That sounds like something he’d try to pull off.”

“How long have you known each other?“

"We were neighbors. My mom used to babysit him." I reply, glancing down into my glass, brainstorming an out to the conversation. I wonder if she’s fishing for information on him.

"It seems like a long time ago.” Tidus approaches his date, bringing his hand to rest on the small of her waist. He still wears his grandfather's white-gold chain but now he’s strung it through the Zanarkand emblem. It sits a little lower than the base of his throat, between his collar bones. His sleeves are rolled, exposing the tan skin of his forearms. He’s filled out a little— thicker and more muscular now than when I’d last seen him.

"Shuyin and I grew up three houses down. Her mother practically raised us,” Tidus says.

"She mentioned that." Dona replies, "You must have a lot of memories."

"Some." Tidus softens, looking at me for the first time; his glacier blue gaze is heavy. I drop ten stories."Would either of you like another drink?"

"I'll be leaving soon." I answer too quickly. I strain my eyes to stay focused, not rest on his hand, or their body language, or the floor. I want to appear easy, resilient.

"Are you staying here tonight?"

"I’m staying with Rikku until the wedding."

"Okay," he steals his gaze from me, "How about you?"

"I could use a refill." Dona replies.

"Gotcha" Tidus winks, knowingly squeezing her shoulder and then glancing back. " I'll see you around, Yuna."

Tidus heads to the mini-bar and Dona, politely, excuses herself with a small touch to my forearm. My goodnights are quick. I’ve stayed for the midnight celebration and that’s enough. I slip upstairs and weave through the crowd waiting in line to use the washroom. 

The bedroom door isn’t enough to quiet the noise of the party. It fades into a dampened white noise.  The guest room is furnished with dark mahogany accents and white sheets with gold stitching. A picture window, cracked open, sits along the sidewall and long, sheer drapes blur the outside scenery. I strain my eyes watching beyond them at snowflakes iridescent in the dark.

I hoist my luggage onto the bed and pull out  a nightshirt. The zipper on my bandage dress catches but gives when I adjust my angle. I strip from my dress and throw on the long t-shirt. Have I changed at all in the past four years? In the mirror’s reflection I’m thinner and maybe my hair’s a little longer. I don’t see a difference in my reflection, just two hypo-chromatic, tired eyes. 

The door to my room opens a crack, "You in there? We didn’t really get a chance to talk."

I turn to face Tidus. He shuts the door behind him and moves towards the window. We stand in silence for a moment. He's too close; I don't know what to do with myself.

"Are you going back to Luca after the holiday? Rikku said you were considering moving home."

"No, I don’t think that’s possible."

"You're done with school, aren't you?"

"I’ve graduated."

"You could stay longer." I wonder if he's nervous. 

“Did you leave Dona downstairs?”

“She’s fine.” He moves forward to reach for my hand but I pull away. 

Every part of my body feels tight and I imagine if he were to touch me I would unravel and if he touched me it wouldn’t mean what I’d want it to mean. It would break my guard and leave me where I’d been before. I remember the way he’d use to touch me, a knee squeeze, a tight hug, his hand brushing against my back. I would read into these physical interactions when they meant nothing. 

"What would I do with myself if I lived here?"

"You can do anything in Zanarkand."

"I have friends back home."

"Luca isn't your—" he stops; "You still have friends here." He leans against the window, running his fingers down the curtains. "I get that your mad at me and I think I can fix that."

"I don’t need you to fix anything."

"I thought about showing up in Luca and, like, surprising you." He smiles, rubbing the back of his neck, "but I didn't know how you’d react."

"I don’t know.”

"Do you know how much you matter to me?"

I pause to weigh my words. If I had mattered he would have approached me tonight, rather than sitting across the room pretending he didn’t notice I was there. "We don't know each other anymore."

"That's not true." Tidus situates himself at the edge of my bed, he sounds hurt. "I know you better than anyone.."

"What about Dona?" I ask, immediately wishing I hadn't. It’s none of my business. Instead of anger, Tidus' eyes remain clear, cerulean. He chuckles.

"She's a friend. We’re not serious. Why?"

"That’s not like you at all.”

"Adrianna and I were together for a long time. I don’t want to make that mistake again."

It stings when he says her name.  “If I had mattered to you, you would have approached me earlier tonight.”

“I didn’t want to make small talk I felt like when I talked to you it should be just us.”

"It’s late Tidus. You should go."

He looks down, brushing his palms on the denim of his jeans, "Can I see you while you’re here?"

I shake my head, walking over to hold the door open for him. "I don’t know."

Tidus pauses on the bed, looking up at me with those clear eyes. I hold fast at the door. One thing I won’t do is fall back into a pattern of letting him in.  

He gets up, "Just know that I want you to stay and I hope, while you’re here, we can spend some time together." 

He’s slow to leave and I wait until he’s at the edge of the stairs before I close the door. I can’t do this.


	2. January 5th

 

**You disembark the latest flight from paradise,**

**You almost turn your ankle in the snow,**

**You fall back into where you started,**

**Making up songs you used to know.**

Heart _-Stars_

 

* * *

**Yuna**

* * *

 

     The first time I spoke with Seymour was when he called me at Rikku's. Braska had given him her number, unprompted, and without warning. Seymour was conversational, asking me how I liked the city, referring to a time when we'd met years ago. Our parents had been friends, and although I'd met Jyscal many times, I could not recall his son. He had a room for rent and Braska, forever meddling, asked him to get in touch.

     We meet downtown at a small cafe’ across from his apartment. I don’t trust Braska’s praise _. 'He's like a son, Yuna.’ I would appreciate it if you could humor me.’_

     Like the son he never had?  I don't want to indulge Braska. It suited my father to find a surrogate family to avoid the guilt of ruining ours. He thought he was doing me a favor, finding me an apartment, in a city I wasn’t sure I wanted to live. Braska was forcing my hand.

     In person, Seymour Guado is sharp featured with cold silver eyes. He shakes my hand and, despite his severity, Seymour Guado is a handsome, statuesque man.

     The apartment is situated in Zanarkand: A –EAST. It’s a modernized development downtown, only a few blocks south of Tidus' building. His complex is homely and looks out of place next to the towering skyscrapers on the next block. Across the street is a grocers market and around the back I can see the bones of a barren community garden.

     "Your father says kind things about you." Seymour smiles. "He didn’t mention how beautiful you are. You look so much like your mother."

     I swallow the need to disagree. "I appreciate the compliment"

     He checks his watch. "Can I show you the suite?"

     “Please.”

     The building is an older property, built over 60 years ago but maintained well with frequent renovations. He’d purchased his unit before prices peaked and kept it as an investment.

     "On the third floor there's a gym and hot tub, outside they're building a lap-pool. It should be complete in the spring," Seymour commentates as he leads me through the white-tiled lobby, there is a guest area off to the left with a small library and sitting area.

     We take the elevator to Seymour's suite on the 4th floor. The apartment smells like apples and static. Aside from a folded newspaper on the coffee table, the living room is pristine.

     "I’m rarely here," he goes on to explain. "I won't be much company, you’ll have most of the place to yourself. My home base is in Bevelle."

     He travels Just like my dad, I think, looking around the sparsely-furnished space. White carpet, salmon colored drapes and pale-oak paneling. Feminine.

     "Would you like to see the room, Yuna?"

     Seymour leads me down the hall, pointing out his bedroom and an office along the way.  My room is in the opposite corner. The first thing I notice is the balcony. Seymour slides open the door and I step out, my vision saturated by the view.

     "I can see one of my friend’s apartment from here— we could probably stretch up an old tin-can telephone.” I catch myself, "Have you ever tried that?"

     "It would require all the string in Zanarkand." he responds, moving beside me. "When the sun rises and sets, it slices right through the buildings. It's a very dramatic view."

     I swallow, still uneasy.

     "Any house rules, regulations?"

     Seymour turns back to me. "I trust that you're responsible."

     A silence falls between us. “Can I think about it?”

     “I’m in no hurry, let me know as soon as you've made your decision."     

     "I wouldn't want to put you out of your way…" I insist.

     "I don’t know that I’ll be able to find a better tenant.” 

* * *

     “So who’s this guy you might be living with?” Gippal pours me a drink that’s stiffer than it should be.

     It’s six p.m. Rikku, Gippal and I are pre drinking at their kitchen island for the Blitzball game. Any moment more people will be ringing the doorbell.  This is a comfort drink.

     I lean against their countertop. They trouble themselves with preparing spreads and cocktails ahead of time. “He’s the son of one of Braska’s colleagues. He works in politics.”

     “Sounds like he’d be fun at parties.” Gippal replies. “If you decide you want to stay you could always live with us.”

     “I appreciate the offer but it wouldn’t feel right.”

     “I understand that. I just know Rikku wants you around.”

     “This is true.” Rikku adds, rolling her tumbler in the palm of her hand. She’s pulled her mass of blonde braids back in an Al Bhed Psyche’s bandana and dressed in a plain white t-shirt and jeans that hang loosely on her petite form.

     “You’re the only person I’m still close with. You and Lulu.”

     “And Tidus.” Gippal presses with a little smirk.

     “We’ll see how tonight goes.” Rikku says.

     “Did you guys ever hook up? I’m not sure I really understand the big deal.” Says Gippal.

     “No, we were just friends..”

     “Yuna was head over heels for him.” Rikku says. “But they were never a thing like that. Just friends. He had this girlfriend, Adrianna, she was the worst.”

     We hear the front doorbell and Gippal excuses himself to let in Wakka and Lulu.  Their hands are full with their toddler, Vidina, and all his supplies. The two are a shocking contrast: Wakka, with his red hair and tan skin next to Lulu, pale, raven haired and all in black.

     “We had to bring him.” Lulu apologizes, “The sitter cancelled and I needed to see you.”

     Lulu hands Vidina off to her husband and embraces me. “You’re so thin, Yuna. I knew you’d lost weight but you’re tiny.”

     “I’m down 35 pounds.”

     “Well, I’m glad you’re taking better care of yourself. Just don’t over-do it.”

     “I didn’t want to say anything.” Rikku interjects, “But she’s right. And you look great.”

     I drink, almost choking when I try to swallow the vodka-water. “This is too strong, Gippal.”

     Wakka hands Vidina over to Rikku, who greedily grabs him and kisses his cheeks. Wakka moves to me, like an over-stuffed bear, and wraps me in his arms. The familiar smell of cedar and salt water surrounds me. Lulu and Wakka had always felt like the older siblings I’d never had. They were the only people in Rikku’s friend group that I felt were my friends, too. They’d looked out for me. For the first time since coming home I feel the knots I’m carrying release. “I’ve missed you two so much.”

     Lulu kisses my forehead. “We know. I worry about you.”

     “No more distance, okay?” Wakka says, “It’s time to stay home.”

     “I’m really thinking about it.”

     “Well let us know if we can help make up your mind.” says Lulu.

     “You see, Yuna?” Rikku exclaims, “You were missed!”

     The metallic cry of the front door opening and closing interrupts us. The arriving guests are Tidus, his identical twin brother, Shuyin, and Shuyin’s longhaired, brown-eyed fiance', Lenne. I’d been able to talk to them at the New Years Eve party.  Greetings are exchanged, drinks are poured. I finish my second and it’s quickly replaced. Tidus didn’t bring Dona.

     The familiar sound of the first ball dropping signals everyone to find a spot on the couch. I’d never played Blitzball but for Tidus and Shuyin there was nothing more important. Tidus’ home was in the water competing. Their father was one most notorious players in the history of the sport having led the Zanarkand Abes to over a dozen titles in his tenure. Tidus was always trying to outperform the legacy he’d left his sons.

     Gippal hangs back with me in the kitchen. “I’ve never liked the sport.”

     “You’re more into grease and transmissions?

     “Something like that.”

     “Why do you host the games?”

     “I love having people over, Rikku loves blitzball, you love Tidus. Everyone wins.”

     I widen my eyes, signalling that he should watch his mouth, unsure if the others can hear. If they had, they don’t look back at us. I don’t know how I feel about being set up like this. My plan wasn’t to come here and pick up like nothing's changed.

     “You worry too much, Yuna.” He chastises me, pouring a round of shots for seven. “This will help you calm down.”

     I down my shot of tequila and suppress the urge to gag as Gippal hands me a lime wedge. “This was not a good idea.”

     “Now you get to take another one with the rest of us.”

     The game cuts to commercial and Gippal calls the group to join. He hands everyone, except Lulu,  a shot glass and a lime. “To a great blitzball season!” They tip and shoot. I’m not used to this kind of drinking, but they handle the alcohol with ease. Tidus takes the one I won’t drink.

     “Are you getting trashed tonight?” Shuyin asks him.

     Tidus shrugs. “We’re celebrating. Don’t worry about it.”

     The others fall back into the living room, taking appetizers with them. Gippal, sensing Tidus intends to stay with me in the kitchen, joins them, but not without an exaggerated wink. The game picks up and cheers carry from the living room but Tidus doesn’t look at the tv, he watches me with a sarcastic little smile.

     “Are you drunk, Yuna? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk.”

     “It’s Gippal’s fault, really.”

     He chuckles, looking over to the game and then back to me. “I’ve been thinking about the other night. You didn’t really say much and I want to know where you stand.”

     “With what?”

     “With me. Are we friends? are we not friends?”

     “What do you want?”

     “I want to be friends.”

     I want to know which part, specifically. I close my eyes and feel a rush of astasia. I grab the counter to balance myself. He has support in his life. He has his brother and his friends and his fans. I don’t give him anything he can’t get somewhere else.

     “You don’t have room for me in your life.”

     “That’s what you think.”

     I get up and walk to the living room. If Dona hadn’t introduced herself the other night  he wouldn’t have approached me. It’s been too long to pretend everything’s okay.

* * *

  **Tidus**

* * *

 

     When I found out Yuna would be at the New Years Eve party, a million scenarios through my mind. I thought I’d know what to say. I should have just asked her how she’d been, made eye contact or even smiled at her across the room. I circled her all night but could never bring myself close enough. She looked so collected, so completely unbothered by me.

     I knew she was upset with me even if there was never a falling out. We’d stopped speaking before she moved. Anytime Adrianna had been around Yuna made an excuse to leave.  Adrianna wasn’t okay with me talking to her. Yuna made her uncomfortable and Adrianna argued that she was obsessed with me. Yuna was timid, so Adrianna loved to make her feel unwelcome. I started cutting Yuna out; I thought I was protecting her.

     If I had reached out to Yuna after Adrianna left me, she would have felt like I was using her. She deserved better than I knew how to be. I missed her more than I could have admitted and that heaviness expanded every time I stopped myself from calling. We went from talking every day to seeing each other socially, and then eventually not at all. I thought she’d be happier without me.

     I find my way back into the living room. The last period is starting. Between the conversation and the 5-point lead, blitzball doesn’t seem to be holding anyone’s attention. The girls are huddled together on the couch, sharing a photo on Rikku’s phone.

     “Who’s that?”

     “Yuna’s new landlord. Braska’s trying to set them up.” Rikku says.

     “Unlikely...” Yuna says.

     I grab the phone. Seymour Guado. The photo’s of the guy in a suit at some ribbon cutting. He looks like he’s pushing seven feet tall, shaking hands with some figurehead. “I wouldn’t call him attractive.”

     “What do you think, Yuna?” Rikku asks.

     She hesitates. “I think he might have been flirting with me. He was nice.”

     “Let me see.” Lenne grabs the phone. “He’s definitely attractive.”

     Shuyin peers over her shoulder, “If you’re into that creepy vibe.”

     “And what do you think it is I see in you? Besides, I’ve heard of him. He’s a hot shot lawyer, super successful. If he’s single and into Yuna, I think she should get to know him.”

     This guy is exactly the type Braska would want for Yuna. A politician. His idea of a good match would be someone with money and held status. He wouldn’t care what was right for his daughter. He wouldn’t care if he could make her laugh.

     “The apartment is downtown in A-East. It’s a nice area.” Yuna says.

     “Well, you can’t date someone you live with.” I say. “That would be a disaster.”

     “Or, maybe he’ll subsidize your rent.” Gippal says.

     I need another drink. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Yuna talk about a date in public. Picturing her with that guy— it just doesn’t make sense.

     Lenne hands the phone back to Rikku. “You should ask him to dinner.”

     “Why?”

     “So you can gauge your interest better. Make it a casual thing.”

     I excuse myself to get a drink. I pour a gratuitous round of shots and call everyone into the kitchen. Wakka and Lulu bow out, but after some debate the rest join me. I don’t let Yuna off the hook. I push her.

* * *

**Yuna**

* * *

 

     I feel like saying all sorts of things I shouldn’t. I feel confrontational— a walking time bomb. Gippal was wrong about this. I could never hold my alcohol.

     If I stay here it will come out. I want it to.

     Lulu and Lenne help Rikku clear up, the boys watch the post-game interviews and I just need air.

     I excuse myself to the patio. The door sticks as I exit and Wakka has to open it for me. I make sure to thank him but trip over the screen runner on my way out. Wakka helps me with a small smile. Is it pity? Is it humorous? I’m embarrassing myself.

     It’s cold out here. The far off streetlights emit a warm, orange glow. I’m happy to be cold, the chill clears my head. My cheeks are hot.

     I have to go back to Luca. This city will kill me.

     The patio door slides open. “We have to go, Vidina’s getting fussy.” Lulu steps out and comes to me, sleepy little boy in her arms. His cheeks are rosy; his hair is matte with baby sweat.

     “It’s okay. I’ll see you again before I go anywhere.”

     “Take care of yourself, okay?” She squeezes my arm with her free hand. “And drink some water.”

     “You too.”

     I kiss them each on the cheek. She closes the door behind her and I find a patio chair to rest on. The others inside are growing noisier. I can hear them arguing about the last period of the game.  I’d have nothing to add to the conversation. My head hurts and there’s too much going on in there. I need to rest.

     I draw in my knees. I could sleep out here.

     It’s a while before Tidus joins me. I knew he’d come out here. He’d have to, with how pushy he’s been. He won’t let things lie. He has a beer in his hand and shuts the patio door softly before he walks towards me. He looks down at me, maintaining eye contact, taking a long swig from the bottle.

     “So.”

     “So?”

     “Are you avoiding me, then? Should I leave you alone?” If he’s drunk, I’m too drunk to tell. I would prefer if he were drunk. It would make things easier.

     “I am.”

     “Why?”

     “I’m going to go back after the wedding.”

     “Really?” Tidus leans back, takes a final swing from his bottle and sets it down. “I think that’s a mistake.”

     “It might have been a mistake coming in the first place.”

     “I guess I didn’t know it was like that.” He says.

     “I’d say you don’t know what it’s like at all.”

     “Can you help me understand?”

     “You know what I don’t understand?” I laugh, “Why all of a sudden you won’t leave me alone.”

     “I don’t think that’s what you really want.”

     “Well it is.”

     “Just hear me out and if you want me to go, I will.”

     “You can say whatever you want.”

     He hesitates, “I stopped prioritizing you a long time ago. I wanted to make Adrianna happy and I let her get away with— the awful way she treated you....  But even if you take me out of the equation, there are so many people here that care about you.”

     “Right.” I pause. Feeling a little bit angrier than I should. Is this a guilt trip? People are allowed to move on with their lives, they do it every day. If this is about his feelings he should leave it at that and say what he means. “If you were still together you’d be fine with things the way they are.”

     “She left me.” He sighs and wraps his hands around the back of his neck, pulling his head down. “I feel you’re this huge part of my life that I mishandled.”

     I laugh. “So this means nothing. If you were still together, you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

     Tidus winces, as if he wants to bend back and scream into the sky.  “I want to be honest with you.” he says. “Even if we were still together, I’d miss you.”

     “Do you want me to be honest with you, Tidus?”

     “Of course.”

     “Well I can’t be.” I scoff. He doesn’t want the truth. If I tell him how I feel he’d have the upper hand. He’d have to tell me what I already know and I’d finally have to accept it.

     “I want to understand.”

     “No.”

     “Try me.”

     I take a breath. I need closure.  I can feel myself crying and I hate it. “I need to go.”

     “If I matter to you, you’d talk to me. I don’t want us to do this to each other.”

     I take a breath. I have to accept his response if I’m going to move on. “I’ve had feelings for you my entire adult life.”

     Tidus doesn’t react and it’s worse than I’d imagined it. The truth is out and I can’t put it back in.  Maybe he’s always known. The noise inside the house has gone silent. I feel like I’m going to be sick, “It’s not fair but being friends with you isn’t enough.”

     “Yuna, you can’t mean that.”

     “I’m sorry.”

     Tidus gets up from the bench and walks to the railing of the deck, pauses, paces back, kneels to meet my eye level.

     “I don’t understand.” He says, finally. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

     “It’s humiliating, I know where I stand with you. Nothing needed to be said until you made me say it.”

     “I would have thought you’d want to be honest with me.”

     “It was obvious you didn’t feel the same way.”

     “So is that why you left?”

     I was trying to conform to a lifestyle that never fit. It was a game of playing catch-up, faking. There was a constant stream of micro-rejections, insensitivity, backhanded compliments. Tidus seemed so oblivious to what she put me through. He seemed further away every time we spoke. I felt so tired and alone. I could never tell him that.   

     Tidus looks back at the door, I follow his gaze. It’s been opened, just enough. The others are making themselves look busy.

     “Let’s go upstairs.” He says, “We need to talk about this.”

     Tidus gets up but I stay fastened to my chair. What more does he want me to say? He moves towards me and takes my hand, gently pulling me off the chair.

     “We can get another drink first.”

     I follow him into the kitchen and the rest of them stare.

     “Gippal, Is it cool if I crash on the couch?” Tidus asks.

     “Yeah, sure.”

     “Thanks— Lenne, Shuyin, I’ll be a while so you can head home without me. I’ll catch a cab tomorrow.”

     “We were getting kind of tired anyways.” His brother answers.

     “Are you okay, Yuna?” Rikku asks, arms crossed against her chest.

     Tidus grabs two waters from the fridge, a cider, a beer. He braces the bottles between his forearm and chest as he grabs a bottle opener.  “She’s fine. We just have a lot of catching up to do.”

     “I’m fine.” I reiterate. She knows I’m not.

     “Come on.” Tidus gestures for me to lead the way upstairs.

     He follows until we get to the guest room. He opens the door and closes it behind us.

     “You remember when we used to have sleepovers?” He cracks a cider, hands it to me, cracks his beer. “My dad would be too drunk to come get me so I’d stay at your place.”

     “Yeah.”

     “Well we’re going to have a sleepover. We’re just going to talk about it.”

     “And what’s that going to do?” I trail off, narrowing my eyes. He’s not taking me seriously.

     He sits on the bed. I remain standing.

     “If I called you would you pick up the phone?”

     “It won’t work.”

     “It has to.” This time his voice is hoarse. “I’ll help you get over me. I’ll tell you about all the disgusting embarrassing things I’ve ever done and in the end you won’t find me attractive.”

     “I already know all of those things.”

     “Yuna, please.”

     “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

     Tidus grabs my hand. I stare at the ceiling. I can’t look at him. He plays with my fingers bending them forwards and backwards, tracing their edges with his nail. We’re on the edge of a finality.

     “It was too hard being friends with you.”  I can’t balance myself when he touches me.

     “How can I make it easier?”

     “I don’t think it gets easier.” I need space.

     He drops my hand. “Your time in Luca wasn’t enough?”

     I shake my head. I wish I had some beautiful story about how I moved and became a resilient person. “It’s complicated.”

     “I have no one, Yuna.” Tidus sighs,  “I feel like I’m constantly on the edge of something and there’s no one in my life that I can trust the way I trust you.”

     “I’m sorry.”

     He looks away. “I was in Luca, but I felt like it wouldn’t be okay to reach out to you.”

     “I was at your games.”

     “It felt like you were there.”

     “I couldn’t help it. I missed you.”

     “Then cutting me out doesn’t work, does it?”

     I stand in silence. Tidus rolls onto his back and rests his arm on his stomach. “ I have felt untethered for so long and you were always the one I could count on.”

     Every part of me wishes we could go back to before it became so complicated, before I understood how different we were as people. I was comfortable living with unrequited feelings until it became obvious that I would never be important to him.

     “I just don’t know what you want me to do.” He says.

     “You can’t force things to be the way they were.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, please don't forget to leave a review and let me know your thoughts!


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